Sometimes twin flames and soul mates are overly cautious about getting hurt when it comes
to love. Maybe in their past, the twin flame wore their heart on their sleeve and showed their feelings freely and embraced the relationship, but they ended up getting hurt, getting burned, their heart torn out. They equated showing too much emotion and showing how they really felt with being taken advantage of.
They are afraid to “lose themselves” in their emotions and in the twin flame connection, so they are always putting the brakes on, controlling how much they show and when they show it, very conscious of not losing control, not letting themselves go fully, because they are afraid if they relaxed just for a second, then the rug would be pulled out from underneath them. In simple, they become the twin flame runner. They are afraid it would be their own fault if the twin flame relationship failed, for allowing themselves to lose control, to be vulnerable. They are afraid it would mean they “messed up” by not remaining in control.
But also, it is a fear that in being genuine and open, then the other twin flame would reject the genuine them. If you keep your distance from someone and remain mysterious, you can create an illusion of how you think the other twin flame wants you to be – you can control what they see and remain in control by withholding the real and vulnerable parts of yourself that you think they other will be turned off by. But with twin flames, they share a telepathy which means that the true self will always shine through no matter how many walls are put up by the twin flames. Mostly, when twin flames do this out of genuine fear, it is not done in a malicious way, but simply as self-preservation, self-protection. It may be a combination of subconscious and conscious.
I still find myself doing this even today. Even though I am consciously aware of my own fears, it does not make it that much easier to lose control. But to love is to lose control. That is a well known phrase that can just be read without putting too much thought into it, but I think this is the key when it comes to twin flames and soul mates.
Maybe the twin flame runner felt that in the past they let a partner control them too much. Maybe they were taken advantage of, and the more they did that, the more we blamed ourselves and thought we weren’t good enough and did even more to try and “earn” their love. We thought we had to do more and be more just to be “worthy” and when we couldn’t make them love us, then we took that as “proof” that we weren’t good enough, we weren’t loveable. We did not even think that that person may just have not been the right person for us or that maybe we were supposed to learn something from it and that is why it happened. Perhaps your twin flame has been so hurt in the past that the walls have been put up so high and they are extremely cautious to let anyone in, let alone the reflected self displayed through the twin flame connection.
Maybe one of the twin flames isn’t mature enough to want the same thing, or they simply are looking for something which is out of sink with what you want, or your twin flame is simply reflecting back to you that you aren’t truly ready either…
There needs to be balance between twin flames. The mirror effect is there to help the twin flames realise what needs healing within themselves. But there also needs to be healthy boundaries set by each twin flame because it is not the right direction to head in if you keep getting hurt over and over or abused by this connection. Often love is not enough, even in the twin flame connection, if this person's physical personality is lashing out and hurting you. You need to love yourself first and if your twin flame is abusing you, then it's time to move on. It's fine to love from afar and unconditionally if you choose that, but to keep putting yourself on the line to be hurt over and over again is not self-love, and self-love is the aim of the twin flame connection.
I think it’s all a lesson in balance. Clinginess is not good – if we are looking to the twin flame to fill in our inner voids and prove we are worthy, then it is a clear indication that we are not loving ourselves, which is the aim of the twin flame connection. But, complete emotional unavailability is not good either – we are afraid to show that we want love, we are afraid to show that we even dare to think our twin flame might be able to love us or want to love us, and to hope for it. We made it clear we wanted love in the past to someone or another, and they made a fool out of us, made us think we were stupid to even believe. Subconsciously, we then wonder, why should I show I want love from my twin flame if this person is going to do the same thing and humiliate us?
Some twin flames grew up not feeling emotionally supported by family, friends, society etc and have therefore become overly self-reliant. The twin flame has built up walls around themselves for self-protection, to the point of hiding their true selves away from others. Even in their own homes, perhaps they felt like strangers, locked in their own walls, only allowing a certain projection of themselves to be seen – a safe projection, one that they knew would be accepted and one where they knew people would not ask questions or delve too deeply into who they really are underneath their mask. Perhaps they even learned to surround themselves by friends that they knew would not think of even looking too deeply into them. And then the twin flame turns up and understandably, they are going to be even more uncomfortable opening up. Instead they become the twin flame runner.
Maybe it’s become so ingrained within our twin flames and in ourselves to only allow people to see certain sides of ourselves, that we control, that we are petrified to be ourselves in terms of letting the hidden parts come to the surface, especially with the twin flame. Will my twin flame / soul mate support us? Understand us? Accept the real me? Maybe that’s why twin flames flip back and forth between the “safe” masked self and the real vulnerable self. They are testing the waters, seeing if it’s safe. Naturally, that would take time because it’s so ingrained and it’s not just a case of flipping a switch. Trust is something that must be earned, over time. We cannot expect our twin flame / soul mate just to trust us straight away and vice versa. We realise we trusted too easily in our youth, when we were naïve. So now, we wrap ourselves in cotton wool and maybe dip our toe in every now and then, whilst the fears of history repeating itself plagues us.
Maybe we dream of a life where our twin flame / twin soul truly understands us, but we are afraid, naturally, more so when a possible glimpse of that becoming a reality could be taken away from us. Maybe, in certain twin flame and soul mate connections, people realise that the other does understand them on a level that no-one else does. But maybe they are afraid to embrace that because it would be all the more painful to “get used” to their twin flame / soul mate who understands us being around, and then the possibility that they could leave our lives again and we would feel more lonely than ever. Maybe it feels safer just to keep the twin flame / soul mate hanging on, to try and keep them there in some way at arms length, because deep down you don’t want to lose them, but it’s scary to have them in the first place, in case you lose them, and then blame yourself about it. But it’s no way to live. It’s so much easier said than done, but we must learn to love ourselves enough to believe in love again and let the twin flame in. To realise that our twin flame's / soul mate's actions is not a reflection of our own worthiness.
I think the most difficult part is the self-blame and the fear that if the twin flame / soul mate relationship goes pear-shaped, then we will automatically blame ourselves and we don’t know if we will ever be able to forgive ourselves. It comes down to a lack of self-love again and an ingrained belief that when things have not gone to plan in our lives, then automatically we assume it is always our fault. “I’m not good enough”, “I messed up”, “I will never get it right” etc etc.
In my own case, I feel I am slowly learning this. Yes, it’s hard for me to be vulnerable. I grew up keeping everyone at arms length. I became very comfortable in my own little space I reserved only for me, inside my walls. I also got a power trip out of pretending not to care too much when it comes to love – I felt like I had to pretend I did not care about love because I was trying to “fix” the utter devastation of realising I could not make someone love me how I wanted them to, but at the time I was devastated because I did believe it was because I was “not good enough”.
Perhaps your twin flame / soul mate whom is withholding love from you has so many subconscious defences going on that they genuinely don’t know how to love or be loved. But don’t take it personally. They may make out it’s your fault, but I’m pretty damn sure they are only saying that because deep down they feel they are “messed up” themselves.
I actually don’t think any of this is “messed up”. I think this process of looking for love, needing validation, getting hurt, vowing to never be vulnerable or love again and then struggling to heal ourselves so we can love again is totally normal. I do think almost everyone, even twin flames and soul mates, go through this. We might not think so to look at people on the outside – their “mask” selves, their projection of feeling more happy, secure etc than what they really feel. But another thing which makes us feel we aren’t good enough or we are messed up, “broken” is feeling that we are the only ones who are going through this. Every single day I speak to people who are going through this. And the amount of people I hear from is an absolutely tiny drop in the ocean. But I hear this stuff every day. We are not messed up, we are not broken, we are not to blame, we are going through the natural stages of life, the natural stages of the twin flame / soul mate connection.