Twin Flames & Soul Mates Fear of Love
(The following is an excerpt from my "How to Unite with your Twin Flame" Course)
So many of us have a deep fear of love that we have carried around with us from a very young age without us even realising. It’s such an ingrained part of our being that we cannot consciously comprehend our fears or that we even have any and therefore we cannot make any changes within ourselves to bring about the healthy and loving relationships and soul connections that we desire and deserve.
When we were babies we loved openly with the full expectation of being loved openly back. Just look at how babies and very young children reach out to their mother and father with a smile or a hug. Look at the way they look at their parents with great love and happiness in their eyes. They fully expect to be loved back 100%. They give their love freely, they openly show their love and expectations of being loved and adored. In short, they know their worth, they are confident in themselves and believe they deserve love and happiness.
As the child gets a bit older, that is when they will experience times of being scolded, criticised, punished etc and that is when they begin to doubt their own worth and begin to repress some parts of themselves. They begin to hold parts of themselves back for fear of being judged, criticised, blamed or unaccepted. They fear they are not good enough just as they are and that they are not loved for whom they are. They start to put forward an image of how they feel their parents or other authority figures want them to be.
No-one on this earth is perfect. No-one is 100% “good” or 100% “bad” but as children, we are taught to repress some parts of our natural selves and see those parts of ourselves as “bad”. Maybe we acted in ways which were bad, but mistakenly, we are lead to believe that we are a “bad” person because we did something “bad”. They are two completely different things. That is why it is so damaging to use shame to try and control children. It leaves a greater imprint than what we usually imagine which then often spirals into multiple areas of the persons life when they reach adulthood, severely damaging their self-esteem and causing them to hold themselves back in many areas of their life because they have a deep-seated belief that they are unworthy of going for what they want.
Soul mates are just the same. They are ordinary people with ordinary lives. Yes it is an extraordinary moment when soul mates meet and recognise each other’s soul, but still, they are human and the connection made here is whilst in human state even if it is the souls also connecting beyond their physical bodies. However, it would be unwise to assume that a soul mate connection, no matter how spiritual and heavenly it is, does not also fall into the human, imperfect, day to day category too.
There is too much fantasy, idealisation, delusional ideas thrown around about twin souls and soul mates all over the internet, in books, on the television, in films etc. Sorry to sound like a killjoy, but we need to step back into reality and realise that soul mate connections are also human connections with all the human frailties and problems. Meeting a soul mate connection does not mean everything will be perfect without problems, as you are probably well aware of if you are reading this. It does not mean that once you meet a soul mate all your fears and their fears will suddenly disappear. These fears are a deeply ingrained part of who we and they have become through conditioning. It’s not all going to be sunshine and rainbows. It’s not all going to be easy. It’s not going to fulfil all your desires and make you feel 100% at peace all the time. That is a fantasy and not humanly possible.
There are so many reasons why soul mates and humans in general have so many fears when it comes to love and relationships. Many of these reasons I will detail in this book. But overall, the main reason why people fear love and opening up to their soul mates is because of low self-esteem and being terrified that they are not good enough.
They fear that the early messages are true where they thought doing something bad, or being abused as a child or being neglected meant they were not good enough even for their own parents to love them. They fear these messages being repeated to them in adulthood as they will take that as “proof” of their supposed unworthiness. They feel that their own creators (parents) don’t even accept (love) them just as they are (unconditionally), therefore they must be “bad” and “unworthy”. This is usually most people’s biggest fear deep down, even if they aren’t consciously aware of it.
They often fear being completely themselves in “normal” relationships (because they have learned to repress parts of themselves to appear more “acceptable”), so when a really intense soul mate connection enters their life, these fears are MAGNIFIED. The fears and pain are often brought to the surface for healing, but many are still confused about their issues and cannot see them clearly. Instead they experience it as intense pain coming up from their subconscious which often they link to the soul connection as it was the catalyst to them coming up, without realising it’s from their own past and their own subconscious rejection of self.
As children, we mistakenly thought that being criticised or “told off” meant that our parents were withdrawing their love. Sometimes, children really weren’t loved by their parents, which is sometimes a very sad reality. So we learned to protect ourselves, keep our emotions and vulnerabilities to ourselves, hide parts of ourselves, secretly scolding ourselves for having to be “strange” in our behaviours of withdrawal. We often judged ourselves, feeling that “normal” children and people can just be themselves when we feel we always have to put walls up. We feel freakish in our self-imposed isolation. We wonder why we do it, but it just seems to come so naturally to us…
Others, whom don’t isolate themselves, often put on an act, creating characteristics of what they think others want them to be, or who they wish they were, but more and more they feel disconnected with self and become depressed because they aren’t being authentic. Their relationships with others are shallow because they aren’t being themselves and therefore a real connection cannot be established.
Many of us fear being ourselves and giving our love because we fear being rejected and reminded of our supposed “unworthiness”. We don’t allow ourselves to get close to our soul mates because we fear that in being rejected, the connection, person and love will be taken away from us if we surrender and open our hearts. Again, that is often then taken as confirmation of our supposed unworthiness.
Another aspect which creates intense fear when it comes to love and soul connections is the ego. Our egos are here to help with our survival as human beings. It wants us to remain in a position of strength and sees the world as a place of danger and a place to always be on guard. It’s our body’s way of protecting itself.
The ego knows nothing of love but only survival. It interprets love as a threat because true love renders us vulnerable and love is the emotion that attempts to put ego on the back-burner if we allow it to. It’s always a struggle to let love overrule the ego though and often the ego succeeds so we don’t get to experience true and lasting love.
The ego will do all it can to sabotage any love in our hearts and disguise its methods of destruction as “rational thinking”, “logic”, “being realistic”. It is very aware of all the past hurt that was involved when we surrendered our hearts which created scars within us, therefore it tries it’s very best to prevent that from ever happening again and keep us on guard. It creates very real fears designed to prevent us from opening up to others with love.
When we are feeling especially strong love, then our egos are going to try even harder to swindle us out of it because the ego is terrified of being put on the back seat. That’s when we start thinking, “Who am I to believe this person loves me or that I am worthy of love?”
Souls are love energy in motion; it is what we are made of, our truth in terms of our souls. But also, the human body is our truth whilst we are incarnating on earth. I feel our mission here is to try and balance our soul state with our human state and that requires unconditional love (acceptance) for all parts of ourselves – our soul needs and our human tendencies.
The ego is a mortal and temporary state that our souls (love) decided to incarnate into in order to set ourselves challenges. Will we be strong enough to follow our truths, follow our souls towards love or will we let the ego con us out of it again, and again? But also, the ego tries to help us ascertain if it is truly love, or just some sort of co-dependant tendency to try and fill in the emotional voids from our childhoods. Again, this is where the balance is needed between head (ego) and heart (soul).
Think about it (and also feel the truth!) Every time that love has been sabotaged, it is because of the ego interrupting what we know to be true in our hearts? Or was it simply trying to protect us from a negative situation which wasn’t right for us? Both our intuition and our egos are very wise if we are really in tune with them both.
We come to earth to challenge ourselves and be challenged. It is only through creating an authentic connection with ourselves that we will truly know who we are and what is right for us through connecting with both our intuition and our egos.
There are so many ways that the ego can fool us into believing we are making the right decisions in walking away from love even when our hearts are screaming for us to pay attention to our truth. Also, there are so many ways that the ego tries to make up fantasies to satisfy itself and makes us hold onto false hope over genuinely bad situations, where our thoughts and hormones overcome us and convince us that this person is the love of our life when in reality they may be so very wrong for us in the human state.
However, the soul and intuition often do pick up that a soul mate connection is real, but the ego, in order to try and put a band aid over our past emotional problems, tries to convince us that this person is the man/woman of our dreams when clearly, in the human state they may not be and the human characteristics of each really don’t fit well together in a romantic way.
It’s about really getting to know ourselves, taking notice of our patterns and also ways we try to ignore the truth to subconsciously protect our egos by living in a bubble. Balance, balance, balance.
Many are fearful of love and intense soul mate connections of any kind because they often feel like failures when their fears about love, commitment and intimacy come to the surface. Such strong fears and emotions make them (their ego) feel out of control and that's why it feels dangerous and like they are failing by such emotions simply coming up. But they are not – it's the soul, the spiritual truth, coming through and trying to dissolve any illusions of the mind. This process often feels so alien and unnatural because we are used to living in our bubbles and not looking within ourselves. But with anything, if you are unused to it, it will feel unnatural for a while until you settle into it.
Simply put, the mind (ego) creates the fears of rejection and not being good enough, but it can also create the illusions of a happily ever after with someone who is completely unavailable emotionally or physically or both to try and avoid facing our fears (which boils down to our inner pain of SELF-rejection). In the illusions and fantasies we can think up any number of scenarios where this wonderful person adores us in every way in which we detest ourselves as we feel they can fill in our voids.
There may be so much mystical, magical energy involved and so many synchronicities, that we assume this person must be our Mr/Mrs Right. I’m not saying that the mystical qualities, the signs, the synchronicities were all in your head, but all of those things don’t necessarily point to the happily ever after romance with that person or that you are supposed to be with that person in the physical. Many a karmic, temporary connections starts this way. It’s designed to make us take notice and eventually force us to look within ourselves for answers and enlightenment (usually after the physical relationship fails).
But many a person, even me in the past, when they are not happy within themselves, create such a vast fantasy “relationship” with this soul connection which they then believe will eventually come true even if in the physical this person is already with someone else, lives the other side of the world, told us it would never work out between us, has been completely horrible or abusive to us… you name it.
Because the signs are still going on, the telepathy sometimes too etc, we think that must mean it’s because one day we are supposed to be together. But, often times, the magnetic pull, the syncs, the telepathy etc are designed to pull you into your lessons, into yourself, into greater clarity which later leads to increased self-love if this process is understood correctly. Basically, these signs and syncs are often there to force us to balance our karma.
So, many people are fearful of getting close because deep down a part of them realises that maybe you aren’t supposed to be together in that way…
Dissolving the ego’s illusions and being forced into our inner pain feels so alien to us because it bursts our bubbles that we aren’t even aware we are living in. Yes, there is usually a lot of initial pain as the fears and emotional wounds come to the surface, but eventually (often after trying to run from it or repressing it) we learn that in order to become happy and feel free, we need to drop our baggage and we find out (usually the hard way), that we need to accept and love ourselves to release it all. It’s the only way. Learn to love and accept self, or continue to live in the illusions and remain unhappy and unfulfilled.
Also, we are used to feeling limited by the ego – it feels comfortable because it's predictable and we aren't vulnerable if we allow our egos to continue to hem us in. It's very scary when we feel deep love (or often co-dependency) because then we are living and experiencing beyond the ego, beyond the comfortable limitations and we feel naked and exposed in the face of the unknown. Suddenly we could feel wounded again if someone rejects us (but really WE are the only ones responsible for our reactions, therefore being rejected by someone does not have to make us feel not good enough within ourselves. We can choose to see it as their choice and not personal if we truly wanted.)
But whenever we are faced with the new and unknown, it is a natural process to feel anxious for a while until we get used to it and then our comfort zone expands. It's actually all very normal. But often people want to just make all the pain and fear go away, so they run and hope it will all just disappear. But it won't until they truly heal within.
Of course if we are being emotionally or physically abused or the other person genuinely doesn't love us then the ego has every right to want to protect us from harming ourselves. But if the fears are seemingly unjustified and it's all just a feeling of massive emotional confusion with our desires wanting one thing one minute and then seemingly wanting to run away from that the next minute, then take a long look at yourself and ask yourself WHY. We need to stop and be honest with ourselves. Is it because this person genuinely isn’t right for us, or because we are running away from ourselves in some way by running away from this person?
These are the basic reasons why people are afraid of love and relationships. For a much more detailed analysis the eBook "Twin Flame Fear of Love" is FREE with the "How to Unite wit your Twin Flame" eBook package below: